After five days, I'm still in shock about the results from the elections. New Mexico now has an all-Democratic delegation in Congress for the first time. Ever. Obama won the state by 15%, almost 120,000 votes. The last two presidential elections were decided by fewer than 400 and 6,000 votes, respectively. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected such results.
Obama's acceptance speech was absolutely inspiring, and I have to give McCain credit, too, for his address. I felt proud to be part of this country, and, for the first time in many years, I am hopeful for the future. We now have leadership that recognizes that the country needs to come together to be able to make effective change.
To be honest, I initially wasn't all that thrilled with Obama's campaign and still take issue with certain positions he's taken. However, what led me to support him is what I saw at his rallies. People were not only excited, they were happy. Waiting hours for Obama to arrive didn't make people agitated or angry. Once Obama began to speak he captivated the audience. Here was an articulate, educated man who was asking to serve as our next president.
There was a palpable energy in the air at rallies, marches and volunteer offices. His campaign motivated people who had never been politically active to become involved. I remember four years ago a feeling of resignation, but this year was completely different. This election had brought people together, at least in my little part of the world. Here’s an excerpt from Obama’s rally in the 505 two weeks ago as a sample.
Although the election is over, our work isn’t done. We must keep the momentum in order to make real change. We have the proof that our efforts make a difference; now we need to remain involved to continue what has just begun.
As Obama concluded in his speech last Tuesday, "The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you, we as a people will get there."
¡Sí, se puede!
11.05.2008
11.04.2008
My menagerie
This week's featured members of the Marita household:
This bird was in my backyard yesterday. I thought it was a chicken until I lured it into the coop and it started herding. Um, I guess I need to work on the male/female discernment thing. I thought he'd be gone since my fence wasn't fixed and had a gaping hole. Nope, he greeted me this morning.
Later, we went over to the neighbor's house to see if was his rooster. He wasn't there, but we did find some creepy man who stared at us through the slats in the fence. I guess the rooster will stay with us for now.
This is Beto. He's gotten bigger but is just as obnoxious as ever. Cuteness is his ploy. Looks aren't the whole story.
This bird was in my backyard yesterday. I thought it was a chicken until I lured it into the coop and it started herding. Um, I guess I need to work on the male/female discernment thing. I thought he'd be gone since my fence wasn't fixed and had a gaping hole. Nope, he greeted me this morning.Later, we went over to the neighbor's house to see if was his rooster. He wasn't there, but we did find some creepy man who stared at us through the slats in the fence. I guess the rooster will stay with us for now.
This is Beto. He's gotten bigger but is just as obnoxious as ever. Cuteness is his ploy. Looks aren't the whole story. A little election day levity
I've noticed a few things lately that have left me a little confused. First, while I hope California says "no" to Prop 8, I don't know if I'd cast my vote for it as the most popular state:
(and while we're on the topic of gay marriage, I have to give NM props for not having passed a defense of marriage act.)
Second, this video has some conflicting info. So, is New Mexico in a recession?
I hope that this election brings better usage of the English language and more knowledge of geography.
10.31.2008
I had a cup of chai from a restaurant I tried for the first time tonight and would highly recommend...their garlic and potato soup was perfect.
So, I'm fueled for the rest of the night.
Tomorrow is another training for sandtray. I won't have a day off until Tuesday when I'll be canvassing all day.
Those around me and I seem to be holding our breath about the election. No matter what happens, the work has just begun. I hope that the momentum that has been generated throughout this election can continue for the next for years and beyond.
And speaking of the long road ahead, I've done it. I've committed to a marathon. All 26.2 miles.
Well, I know what I'll be doing with my time now that canvassing is done...
Boa noite.
So, I'm fueled for the rest of the night.
Tomorrow is another training for sandtray. I won't have a day off until Tuesday when I'll be canvassing all day.
Those around me and I seem to be holding our breath about the election. No matter what happens, the work has just begun. I hope that the momentum that has been generated throughout this election can continue for the next for years and beyond.
And speaking of the long road ahead, I've done it. I've committed to a marathon. All 26.2 miles.
Well, I know what I'll be doing with my time now that canvassing is done...
Boa noite.
10.17.2008
peace amid the craziness
I don't even know where to start after these past three weeks. I haven't been able to set pen to paper, or rather fingers to keyboard, to make sense of it all. The days have been full of challenges and beauty.
Just as I was putting a load of laundry in to wash today, I heard the sounds of Canada geese. I ran outside to see them flying over in formation as they head south. Yesterday, a raccoon sauntered across a street. It looked at me before crawling in the sewage drain, disappearing into the bowels of the city.
I've continued to canvass every weekend. While I didn't initially want to do it, I enjoy it every time. It mixes many of my interests-walking, exploring, politics and talking and affirms something that I tend to forget: most of us are on the path to a better future and want connection on the way.
I feel a sense of excitement that was void in the last election. In 2004 it seemed that there was a desperation in the air, but this time around, it's hopeful. I think I'll feel a loss once the election is over.
And speaking of hope, I went to a training last week on fundraising or resource development. I'd actually forgotten that I'd agreed to go. Thinking that it would be more about the basics of how to ask for money, I reluctantly went. It turned out to be much more. The trainer, Lynne Twist, focused on the importance of relationships. Her idea of scarcity vs. sufficiency really spoke to me. Many times, especially in this last year, I've lamented that I didn't have more time, sleep, health. She emphasized the fact that there is enough for us to live abundant lives (notwithstanding the inequities that exist in the world). So I have been trying to make a shift in my mentality. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by all I have to do, I give thanks for my job, volunteer work, friends and family, and health.
I have about a million things to do today before I volunteer for the local community radio station's pledge drive, but I've found a book I just can't put down. It's Four Seasons in Five Senses by David Mas Masumoto, a peach farmer in California. Only 100 pages remain. Just enough time to savor the final chapters...
Hope you have a good week.
Just as I was putting a load of laundry in to wash today, I heard the sounds of Canada geese. I ran outside to see them flying over in formation as they head south. Yesterday, a raccoon sauntered across a street. It looked at me before crawling in the sewage drain, disappearing into the bowels of the city.
I've continued to canvass every weekend. While I didn't initially want to do it, I enjoy it every time. It mixes many of my interests-walking, exploring, politics and talking and affirms something that I tend to forget: most of us are on the path to a better future and want connection on the way.
I feel a sense of excitement that was void in the last election. In 2004 it seemed that there was a desperation in the air, but this time around, it's hopeful. I think I'll feel a loss once the election is over.
And speaking of hope, I went to a training last week on fundraising or resource development. I'd actually forgotten that I'd agreed to go. Thinking that it would be more about the basics of how to ask for money, I reluctantly went. It turned out to be much more. The trainer, Lynne Twist, focused on the importance of relationships. Her idea of scarcity vs. sufficiency really spoke to me. Many times, especially in this last year, I've lamented that I didn't have more time, sleep, health. She emphasized the fact that there is enough for us to live abundant lives (notwithstanding the inequities that exist in the world). So I have been trying to make a shift in my mentality. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by all I have to do, I give thanks for my job, volunteer work, friends and family, and health.
I have about a million things to do today before I volunteer for the local community radio station's pledge drive, but I've found a book I just can't put down. It's Four Seasons in Five Senses by David Mas Masumoto, a peach farmer in California. Only 100 pages remain. Just enough time to savor the final chapters...
Hope you have a good week.
10.01.2008
Dear American Airlines,
With great dread I dialed your number today to modify a reservation. I was afraid that you would belittle me as you did when I once asked for cream cheese with my bagel or when I was told to get hotel at my own expense and return to the airport the next day to wait along with hundreds of others trying to get out of the bowels of Texas.
You pleasantly surprised me, though. An agent cheerfully assisted me. It was painless. And the icing on the cake: "Is there anything else I can do for you this evening?"
Oh, if only flying were so easy.
Yours in frequent flyer solidarity,
Marita
With great dread I dialed your number today to modify a reservation. I was afraid that you would belittle me as you did when I once asked for cream cheese with my bagel or when I was told to get hotel at my own expense and return to the airport the next day to wait along with hundreds of others trying to get out of the bowels of Texas.
You pleasantly surprised me, though. An agent cheerfully assisted me. It was painless. And the icing on the cake: "Is there anything else I can do for you this evening?"
Oh, if only flying were so easy.
Yours in frequent flyer solidarity,
Marita
9.29.2008
Monday Medley
How quickly the weekend passes!
Yesterday was full of beauty. I was able to do an eight mile run, albeit not a fast one, but I went the distance. In my other blog there are more details. The meditation and dharma discussion later helped me to let go of some mental static.
Today started with acupuncture. Then to the gym, where I found out I've lost 5 lbs. On the way home, I got a cappuccino from someone who just moved here from San Francisco. We shared restaurant stories. He might have gotten distracted and forgotten to give me decaf. Oh, well. I enjoyed it.
At least I know I can make it through the end of my day.
Yesterday was full of beauty. I was able to do an eight mile run, albeit not a fast one, but I went the distance. In my other blog there are more details. The meditation and dharma discussion later helped me to let go of some mental static.
Today started with acupuncture. Then to the gym, where I found out I've lost 5 lbs. On the way home, I got a cappuccino from someone who just moved here from San Francisco. We shared restaurant stories. He might have gotten distracted and forgotten to give me decaf. Oh, well. I enjoyed it.
At least I know I can make it through the end of my day.
9.27.2008
Today
I finally got off my ass to canvass. It's not really my cup of tea-I'm introverted, and I generally try not to bother people. (Of note: I had done some canvassing before but in Spanish. I'm more gregarious when I'm speaking anything besides English.)
When I thought about going door-to-door, I realized how many other things I had to do. Like lay around, waste time on the computer, and read. A phone call a few days ago, though, guilted me into doing it.
And like so many things in life, the reality was much better than the idea I had in my mind. Only one man yelled at me. I wished him a good day. Some people showed their kindness by inviting me into their homes, and others talked about the debate. I had fun.
I'm doing it again next week.
When I thought about going door-to-door, I realized how many other things I had to do. Like lay around, waste time on the computer, and read. A phone call a few days ago, though, guilted me into doing it.
And like so many things in life, the reality was much better than the idea I had in my mind. Only one man yelled at me. I wished him a good day. Some people showed their kindness by inviting me into their homes, and others talked about the debate. I had fun.
I'm doing it again next week.
9.20.2008
Update
Life has been pretty predictable lately: sleep, chores, work, exercise, eat, read, write, mediate. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing. It just makes for little to share.
But since I am never at a loss of words, at least at the keyboard, here are some small things that have kept my mind occupied:
But since I am never at a loss of words, at least at the keyboard, here are some small things that have kept my mind occupied:
- The first fall/winter garden I've planted has germinated. Instead of getting seedlings, it was all planted from seed. Nothing makes me happier than seeing them peak out from the ground. Well, maybe making a salad from the bounty in a few weeks will make me pretty content, too.
- This time of year causes me to reflect on the direction of life. The same process of germinating is happening internally, but I'm not sure what yet seeds are growing. I do feel as if I'm entering a stage of life that is not so externally-focused.
- Several times this week I have heard references to abundance vs. scarcity. That, coupled with the financial situation, has made for interesting mental fodder. Since I'm woefully ignorant of economics, I realize that my analysis of what's been happening is nowhere near complete. I feel for those whose lives have been disrupted by the mess and, at the same time, believe this is yet another lesson in impermanence. As things become more difficult financially, there is still plenty of abundance around me-food in the garden, thoughtful gifts from others, a sealed roof over my head, and the beauty of mountains nearby. It's sort of like that cheesy glass half-empty, half-full thing. The reality is that it'll probably never be as full as I'd like it to be. I can spend my life lamenting what I don't have or what I might loose, or I can be grateful for whatever is near. There will always be something that amazes no matter how challenging life becomes. It's my choice to find it.
9.17.2008
I've found that whatever happens or what I do on this day sets the tone for the next year. A year ago today I woke up looking forward to a day off, but my back had other plans. I couldn't move. It had gone out overnight. Eventually I got up and the pain subsided, but there were many other problems to come. (I won't go over the litany of things gone wrong, though. I'm not that old.)
The last 12 months have been a learning experience. The body lets us know loud and clear when we've reached its limits, and if we continue to ignore it, it will force us to stop. We need rest. We need to change how we live. We need to listen.
The challenges have brought a richness to life. I had time to reflect and be grateful when my body worked well. But I'm more than ready to say good-bye to this year.
So what might the next year bring? I started the day talking to family, communing with plants and animals, and giving thanks for the work I do. I laughed with friends and shared with colleagues. In a word, I hope it brings balance.
The last 12 months have been a learning experience. The body lets us know loud and clear when we've reached its limits, and if we continue to ignore it, it will force us to stop. We need rest. We need to change how we live. We need to listen.
The challenges have brought a richness to life. I had time to reflect and be grateful when my body worked well. But I'm more than ready to say good-bye to this year.
So what might the next year bring? I started the day talking to family, communing with plants and animals, and giving thanks for the work I do. I laughed with friends and shared with colleagues. In a word, I hope it brings balance.
9.09.2008
9.03.2008
Groundedness, groundlessness, or anything in between
Earlier this week I had a feeling that things were getting out of control. Most of it had to do with things that were, in fact, out of my control, yet for which I feel responsible. When this happens, I tend to grasp on to anything that gives me the feeling of being more anchored. It could be ruminating, consuming, or avoiding. Whatever it is, it keeps me from addressing the real problem, though.
A lack of groundlessness leads to the feeling of not having control, and if I look more deeply, a fear of not knowing. I still struggle to keep from runing to something more grounded. Often I take the path of least resistance. It's not always the best.
I like knowing, having a plan, and being reassured that everything is going to be okay. However, life doesn't work that way. More often than not, I find myself in a state of groundlessness. I have fleeting moments when I accept it, but I ultimately end up pushing it away.
Pema Chodron writes: "It's important to hear about this in-between state. Otherwise we think the warrior's journey is one way or the other; either we're all caught up or we're free. The fact is that we spend a long time in the middle. This juicy spot is a fruitful place to be. Resting here completely-steadfastly experiencing the clarity of the present moment-is called enlightenment."
Thankfully, life is forgiving. I'll have many more opportunities to be in the middle. And maybe one day I'll stay.
A lack of groundlessness leads to the feeling of not having control, and if I look more deeply, a fear of not knowing. I still struggle to keep from runing to something more grounded. Often I take the path of least resistance. It's not always the best.
I like knowing, having a plan, and being reassured that everything is going to be okay. However, life doesn't work that way. More often than not, I find myself in a state of groundlessness. I have fleeting moments when I accept it, but I ultimately end up pushing it away.
Pema Chodron writes: "It's important to hear about this in-between state. Otherwise we think the warrior's journey is one way or the other; either we're all caught up or we're free. The fact is that we spend a long time in the middle. This juicy spot is a fruitful place to be. Resting here completely-steadfastly experiencing the clarity of the present moment-is called enlightenment."
Thankfully, life is forgiving. I'll have many more opportunities to be in the middle. And maybe one day I'll stay.
8.30.2008
Holding
Sometimes all we can do is maintain in times of chaos.
It can take a toll, both emotionally and physically.
We often don't have the answers or know just the right thing to say.
And sometimes it's only faith that gets us through.
It can take a toll, both emotionally and physically.
We often don't have the answers or know just the right thing to say.
And sometimes it's only faith that gets us through.
8.23.2008
Fantasy
I've finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up: a writer living in Northern California. I'd be near the coast and spend my days hiking, caring for plants and animals, and penning witty prose.
I would write about love, food, travel, and the fight for justice. The stuff that makes up any good story. I'd probably write non-fiction just because my threshold for suspending disbelief is so high (or would it be low? i just can't do it!). Plus, my life often seems as if it's made up, so inserting reality through writing should be just the thing to do. Maybe composing impassioned social work research would be another option. The opportunities would be endless.
My new home would be within the reach of the ocean's breeze. It wouldn't be big-maybe two rooms with a large porch, complete with a hammock. I've always had a penchant for small houses. Ever since I was little, my dream home had only a few hundred square feet. (If you ask me what's wrong with the US today, I'd definitely have to say it's the houses.)
I have a creative streak in me that I've only let come out in homeopathic doses. Perhaps I need to water those seeds more. And the California thing...I miss the water, trees and rocks.
I'm not planning to go anywhere anytime soon. I'm not under any delusions that I can plop down several digits for an abode and make enough to support myself by stringing words together.
But a girl can dream, can't she?
I would write about love, food, travel, and the fight for justice. The stuff that makes up any good story. I'd probably write non-fiction just because my threshold for suspending disbelief is so high (or would it be low? i just can't do it!). Plus, my life often seems as if it's made up, so inserting reality through writing should be just the thing to do. Maybe composing impassioned social work research would be another option. The opportunities would be endless.
My new home would be within the reach of the ocean's breeze. It wouldn't be big-maybe two rooms with a large porch, complete with a hammock. I've always had a penchant for small houses. Ever since I was little, my dream home had only a few hundred square feet. (If you ask me what's wrong with the US today, I'd definitely have to say it's the houses.)
I have a creative streak in me that I've only let come out in homeopathic doses. Perhaps I need to water those seeds more. And the California thing...I miss the water, trees and rocks.
I'm not planning to go anywhere anytime soon. I'm not under any delusions that I can plop down several digits for an abode and make enough to support myself by stringing words together.
But a girl can dream, can't she?
8.22.2008
Nectar
I don't know how else to explain it, but I simply crave Mary Oliver's poetry. I admire her ability to put words to what I can only feel.
So I want to leave you with a another poem that has served as my guide:
What I Have Learned So Far
Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside, looking into the shining world? Because, properly attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion. Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor in its cause? I don't think so.
All summations have a beginning, all effect has a story, all kindness begins with the sown seed. Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of light is the crossroads of--indolence, or action.
Be ignited, or be gone.
-Mary Oliver
So I want to leave you with a another poem that has served as my guide:
What I Have Learned So Far
Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside, looking into the shining world? Because, properly attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion. Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor in its cause? I don't think so.
All summations have a beginning, all effect has a story, all kindness begins with the sown seed. Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of light is the crossroads of--indolence, or action.
Be ignited, or be gone.
-Mary Oliver
Memorias
(Above: Jamaica flower, backyard, Burque, NM)I had to download pictures from my camera to the new computer. I thought I'd share some of my memories from travels and time...
Stinson Beach, CA
The week in review
I'm always amazed at how one thing can throw off my equilibrium. I'd like to be able to say one small thing, but my calm week ended with a bang. I'm getting ahead of myself, though.
Barack Obama came to the 505 for a town hall meeting. Since he was here on a Monday and I had a ticket, I went. It was my first time seeing a presidential candidate, if you don't count the two times I saw Dennis Kucinich. After hearing Obama, I do feel more enthusiastic about supporting him. I'm fed up with the way things are. Being an armchair activist is no longer enough; I've decided to volunteer.
Later that day I played volleyball for the first time in eight years. It was fun. But I then hurt. All over. I'm better now. I'll do it again this Monday.
I can't say how much better my life is now that I'm only working four long days per week instead of five. I feel better. I'm hesitant to say it, but I've been feeling good...
I was supposed to go to Ohio to see my friend Melody next week, but the two weeks I gave myself between trips wasn't enough time. October will be better.
That leaves me in Burque over Labor Day weekend. When I realized that I will be here for the New Mexico Marathon, I initially thought I should do the half. Then I hesitated because I just "ran" one earlier in the month. I thought my sister would be impressed with my sound judgement, but she told me I should probably do it. So I will. Not that I blindly follow her advice. I am the big sister, after all. But she is an exercise physiologist and the inspiration for me to run.
After a tranquil week, I had to extinguish a quick-burning problem at 5 PM today. It's not completely out, but contained. Sometimes that's all that can be done. I'm learning to be fine with it. At least I have next week to try to get things right.
Barack Obama came to the 505 for a town hall meeting. Since he was here on a Monday and I had a ticket, I went. It was my first time seeing a presidential candidate, if you don't count the two times I saw Dennis Kucinich. After hearing Obama, I do feel more enthusiastic about supporting him. I'm fed up with the way things are. Being an armchair activist is no longer enough; I've decided to volunteer.
Later that day I played volleyball for the first time in eight years. It was fun. But I then hurt. All over. I'm better now. I'll do it again this Monday.
I can't say how much better my life is now that I'm only working four long days per week instead of five. I feel better. I'm hesitant to say it, but I've been feeling good...
I was supposed to go to Ohio to see my friend Melody next week, but the two weeks I gave myself between trips wasn't enough time. October will be better.
That leaves me in Burque over Labor Day weekend. When I realized that I will be here for the New Mexico Marathon, I initially thought I should do the half. Then I hesitated because I just "ran" one earlier in the month. I thought my sister would be impressed with my sound judgement, but she told me I should probably do it. So I will. Not that I blindly follow her advice. I am the big sister, after all. But she is an exercise physiologist and the inspiration for me to run.
After a tranquil week, I had to extinguish a quick-burning problem at 5 PM today. It's not completely out, but contained. Sometimes that's all that can be done. I'm learning to be fine with it. At least I have next week to try to get things right.
8.16.2008
Thursday, the new Wednesday
I went to a four-day workweek, Tues-Fri. This was my first week trying the new schedule. It wasn't a huge difference because most days I had been putting in well over 8 hours. Tuesday kicked my butt, though, being back in the office after vacation, and having a million things scheduled. I wasn't sure if I could make it, but I did.
The best part, though, is waking up on a Saturday morning knowing I still have today and two more full days before I return to work. I'll finally have sufficient time to rest, get things done, and get physical. Finally...
The best part, though, is waking up on a Saturday morning knowing I still have today and two more full days before I return to work. I'll finally have sufficient time to rest, get things done, and get physical. Finally...
Changes
Every year, when the heat becomes unbearable, the monsoon clouds roll in. If we're lucky, our rainy season begins. It becomes miserably humid* but not as hot. Finally, one day the air changes. A cool breeze blows. It's still warm, but one can tell that summer is beginning to lose its hold.
I've noticed that it felt different when I went outside in the mornings this week. Today, I smelled change. I don't know how to explain it-only a waft of fall, but it's on its way. It makes me happy.
*Miserable means levels of humidity at 40% or higher. I know most of you in steamier areas are probably rolling your eyes. We're just not used to feeling sweaty!
I've noticed that it felt different when I went outside in the mornings this week. Today, I smelled change. I don't know how to explain it-only a waft of fall, but it's on its way. It makes me happy.
*Miserable means levels of humidity at 40% or higher. I know most of you in steamier areas are probably rolling your eyes. We're just not used to feeling sweaty!
8.12.2008
8.08.2008
The pursuit of happiness?
After reading Eric Weiner's The Geography of Bliss last month, I've begun to ponder the role of happiness in life. I really hadn't thought about it much, besides reflecting on whether or not I'm happy. Since finishing the book, I've noticed several references to the psychology of happiness in other places.
It was an interesting, if sometimes incomplete, read. I was drawn initially to the chapter on Bhutan's "gross national happiness." Weiner visits several other countries and devotes a chapter each, looking at what causes people to be happy in those places (with the exception of unhappy Moldova). The answers ranged from having clean toilets to being able to trust those around you.
As I was reading the book, though, I wondered if the wrong term was discussed. Being happy is an emotional state that's subject to change. The sources of happiness identified in the book were primarily external.
If I had to rank my happiness these days, it would rank pretty high, higher than it was a few years ago. Of course, I still get bouts of cynicism and anxiousness when I feel that things are getting out of control. However, when I stop and calm myself, I see something that's deeper and more constant than the variable emotions. I'm not sure what to call it: centeredness, satisfaction, or equanimity?
Whatever it is, it's there, too, when I'm happy. And while having this centeredness has helped me to be happier, it's not happiness. It's something more.
Maybe it doesn't need to be named.
Or studied.....
Or written about.....
The End.
It was an interesting, if sometimes incomplete, read. I was drawn initially to the chapter on Bhutan's "gross national happiness." Weiner visits several other countries and devotes a chapter each, looking at what causes people to be happy in those places (with the exception of unhappy Moldova). The answers ranged from having clean toilets to being able to trust those around you.
As I was reading the book, though, I wondered if the wrong term was discussed. Being happy is an emotional state that's subject to change. The sources of happiness identified in the book were primarily external.
If I had to rank my happiness these days, it would rank pretty high, higher than it was a few years ago. Of course, I still get bouts of cynicism and anxiousness when I feel that things are getting out of control. However, when I stop and calm myself, I see something that's deeper and more constant than the variable emotions. I'm not sure what to call it: centeredness, satisfaction, or equanimity?
Whatever it is, it's there, too, when I'm happy. And while having this centeredness has helped me to be happier, it's not happiness. It's something more.
Maybe it doesn't need to be named.
Or studied.....
Or written about.....
The End.
8.07.2008
Le Fin
I couldn't wait to reach the finish line to eat the bananas awaiting us.But nothing says "good job" like being handed a flaxseed pumpkin bar upon completing a race.
8.06.2008
Summertime bounty
Pesto made from freshly picked basil.
Tonight, zucchini soup.
Tomorrow, eggplant and tofu.
yum...
Tonight, zucchini soup.
Tomorrow, eggplant and tofu.
yum...
upon return
First, the weather...
It was in the 60s when I left San Francisco yesterday, and 106 degrees in Phoenix. By the time I made it back to Burque, a rain shower had rolled in, making the temp a balmy 72. Beautiful.
The poem "Mindful" by Mary Oliver was my meditation for the trip. It starts:
Every day
I see or I hear
something
that more or less
Kills me
with delight...
I must have died a thousand little deaths these past two weeks. The plants, animals, people, air, water, rocks...
Highlights: eating ethiopian food, traveling with family and friends, enjoying vinho in wine country, reading as much as I wanted, soaking, sticking my feet in the cold ocean.
The race: I earned the bling! And I got to run over this:
It was in the 60s when I left San Francisco yesterday, and 106 degrees in Phoenix. By the time I made it back to Burque, a rain shower had rolled in, making the temp a balmy 72. Beautiful.
The poem "Mindful" by Mary Oliver was my meditation for the trip. It starts:
Every day
I see or I hear
something
that more or less
Kills me
with delight...
I must have died a thousand little deaths these past two weeks. The plants, animals, people, air, water, rocks...
Highlights: eating ethiopian food, traveling with family and friends, enjoying vinho in wine country, reading as much as I wanted, soaking, sticking my feet in the cold ocean.
The race: I earned the bling! And I got to run over this:
This trip helped me feel "normal" again, whatever that ephemeral term means. After a year focused on work and establishing myself professionally, I realized I need a lot more play in my life. Today I did yoga in the morning and spent the rest of the day relaxing and doing laundry.
I realize that even when I'm off, I have a habit (or maybe more of an addiction) to checking my work email. So, I did, mostly to reassure myself that nothing catastrophic had happened. It didn't, but I did find out that we had gotten a grant for more than the amount requested.
Now, I need to clean the house before my mother arrives tomorrow.
Life is good.
7.20.2008
They say "a 20-minute walk" like it's a bad thing
What have things come to? That a walk 1+ miles is an inconvenience?
Sometimes I lament that I should be in better shape. I know I should. But when I hear someone cautioning me that I might want to consider staying in a different building at a retreat center because it's too far removed from everything else, I start to wonder. Removed, to me, means far, as in way more than a mile. I chuckled when the reservation person said "well, it's a 20 minute walk from the main buildings."
That's exactly the point. First, I don't need to be only meters away from everything else. This will be time to recharge without all the distractions. Second, what better way to recharge by taking a leisurely stroll outdoors to go to the hot springs and places to eat.
I put it into perspective when I'm upset that I only ran 3 miles or that I didn't make it to the top of a mountain. Maybe just I'm getting überanalytical about this, but 20 minutes ain't got nothin' on me.
Sometimes I lament that I should be in better shape. I know I should. But when I hear someone cautioning me that I might want to consider staying in a different building at a retreat center because it's too far removed from everything else, I start to wonder. Removed, to me, means far, as in way more than a mile. I chuckled when the reservation person said "well, it's a 20 minute walk from the main buildings."
That's exactly the point. First, I don't need to be only meters away from everything else. This will be time to recharge without all the distractions. Second, what better way to recharge by taking a leisurely stroll outdoors to go to the hot springs and places to eat.
I put it into perspective when I'm upset that I only ran 3 miles or that I didn't make it to the top of a mountain. Maybe just I'm getting überanalytical about this, but 20 minutes ain't got nothin' on me.
7.19.2008
It's been one of those weeks...
...where everything that could go wrong has. I don't know what it was. Communication was all over the place. Being questioned about things that were irrelevant. I wondered why everyone is staring at me only to come to find I've had spinach in my teeth. It wasn't there after I ate, I promise! I even checked. All I can do is laugh. at myself. incessantly.
Today was a breakthrough. I worked most of the day. I came to a little truce with myself that I needed to push myself in order to have things done. So I can relax on my trip. Which is only 5 days away. I don't know why I'm fragment-crazy. It's just. the way. my mind works. these days.
LB got a new computer. Yea! Now I'll be able to waste time again!
I did go on a run around the 'hood. Ready as I'm going to be.
And this is where I'm staying in California:
Check out http://www.harbin.org/. I'm so there.
Today was a breakthrough. I worked most of the day. I came to a little truce with myself that I needed to push myself in order to have things done. So I can relax on my trip. Which is only 5 days away. I don't know why I'm fragment-crazy. It's just. the way. my mind works. these days.
LB got a new computer. Yea! Now I'll be able to waste time again!
I did go on a run around the 'hood. Ready as I'm going to be.
And this is where I'm staying in California:
Check out http://www.harbin.org/. I'm so there.
7.12.2008
Impermanence
The computer at my home completely crashed last weekend. Since then I've had limited computer access-I probably will for the next few weeks or months, except for when I'll be in Califas for almost two weeks.
My trip's slowly coming together. Everyone asks me, "Do you know anyone out there? Do you have family?" No. I'm planning to take part of my trip alone. I need the time to decompress and regroup. It's been a pretty hard six months because I haven't had time to let go of everything. Or maybe I just haven't felt that I could do it here with all the responsibilities I have.
My sister and her friend will be joining me toward the end. We're all running the SFO First Half Marathon, my first race with a time limit. Under normal circumstances the cutoff wouldn't be a problem, but my life and my health have been anything but normal lately. I know I can do it; however, if I can't make it by the time required, I go on my own or I take a taxi back to where I need to be. It really is that simple.
One observation I've made about my life recently is that so many of the things I do bring me back to my breath. Playing the flute, running, meditating. It's not about what might happen or what I'm not doing. They all remind me of what's essential. I'm grateful for this moment.
My trip's slowly coming together. Everyone asks me, "Do you know anyone out there? Do you have family?" No. I'm planning to take part of my trip alone. I need the time to decompress and regroup. It's been a pretty hard six months because I haven't had time to let go of everything. Or maybe I just haven't felt that I could do it here with all the responsibilities I have.
My sister and her friend will be joining me toward the end. We're all running the SFO First Half Marathon, my first race with a time limit. Under normal circumstances the cutoff wouldn't be a problem, but my life and my health have been anything but normal lately. I know I can do it; however, if I can't make it by the time required, I go on my own or I take a taxi back to where I need to be. It really is that simple.
One observation I've made about my life recently is that so many of the things I do bring me back to my breath. Playing the flute, running, meditating. It's not about what might happen or what I'm not doing. They all remind me of what's essential. I'm grateful for this moment.
6.27.2008
Amor
I'm ashamed to admit it: I'm in love with these shoes. They're part of what started the spending frenzy in Chicago. But if I would've known they're just as comfy as cute, I would have gotten four pairs instead of two. (the brown ones are in my closet, too!) I love me some Skechers.
Battles won
For many years, there has never been an alpha animal in my home. The cats will fight, but it's more about not loosing than actually winning. We joke that it's the "battle for the middle," but that's changing. Beto has no fear of the big guys and will even start eating the other cat's food. Pretty brave stuff for a 2 lb. cat. I think once he gets big enough, he'll be on top.
In other news, finally I'm organized! I spent a few hours yesterday and today getting things in order, so I can now work on other projects. My workload expectation is decreasing, so I'm hoping that will make a difference in my daily activities.
And I got my provisional license this week. All that's left for me is to take the exam. I'm tempted to sign up to take it in three weeks, just to get it out of the way. I'll postpone studying until the week before the exam no matter when I schedule it; why delay? Then I'll have it out of the way when I go on vacation.
My biggest battle the past few weeks has been getting over a "cold" (they get even more exciting when your immune system's already trying to recover from something else) and the stomach flu. I was out of work for about a week, but now I'm back with a vengeance.
Only five more weeks until the SF half-marathon. I'm not going down without a fight.
In other news, finally I'm organized! I spent a few hours yesterday and today getting things in order, so I can now work on other projects. My workload expectation is decreasing, so I'm hoping that will make a difference in my daily activities.
And I got my provisional license this week. All that's left for me is to take the exam. I'm tempted to sign up to take it in three weeks, just to get it out of the way. I'll postpone studying until the week before the exam no matter when I schedule it; why delay? Then I'll have it out of the way when I go on vacation.
My biggest battle the past few weeks has been getting over a "cold" (they get even more exciting when your immune system's already trying to recover from something else) and the stomach flu. I was out of work for about a week, but now I'm back with a vengeance.
Only five more weeks until the SF half-marathon. I'm not going down without a fight.
6.08.2008
Lazy Sunday List
- Because my sister ran six miles yesterday, I thought I had to do the same. So I did-in the bosque moonlight. Since I didn't want the coyotes to find me, I felt I was running faster, but my time was the slowest it's been. It wasn't until I got home that I saw I only had to run 5 miles. Thanks, Meg!
- I'm excited about traveling. I wish I could take the rest of the summer off. Seriously.
- Things are getting a little bit out of control with the animals. Because two of the chickens are not laying now, I'd like to get two more. Figuring out where to keep chicks and how to introduce them to the backyard becomes a challenge when factoring in all the other animals that live here.
- I have a hankerin' to go to Utah, which tops the top of my list for the most beautiful states. It's a place where I feel more centered.
- While talking about things I'd like to do, hiking La Luz is on the top of my list. My vague physical ailments have kept me from doing this over the past two years, but I'm ready to get off my ass and do this.
- What's the deal with the freakin' layout?
- I know of an organization that asks its employees to refrain from using language related to violence. I wonder what they call bullet points.
- Hmmm...thinking about all the hiking makes me tired. Maybe I should vegetate all summer. I don't do well in the heat normally, anyway.
6.07.2008
Summertime
It's hot here; it's the time of the year when I hide inside during the middle part of the day because the sun is just too hot. To keep me company on these sultry days, I have a new companion, Beto. Here he is:
He's a good boy, already using the scratching post, umm...or the arm of the couch.
(random rant: I wish I knew html so I could control the layout of these posts)
He's a good boy, already using the scratching post, umm...or the arm of the couch.I adopted him from my flute teacher, so I've gotten to see him grow each time I went for my lesson. After he was born, my teacher asked if I wanted to see her new kittens that she needed to give away. I had made up my mind to not get too attached to them, but I'd wanted to get a solid gray kitten for a long while now. Since I couldn't say no, Beto is the newest addition to the straggly menagerie inhabiting my home. He's sleeping on my shoulder as I type.
In other news, I've started planning my trips for the summer. My agenda: northern California, San Antonio, and Ohio. Total of all the air travel: less than $250. It'll probably be the last time I will be able to say that. I'll be able to have some time alone and be able to catch up with family and friends during my travels.
I'll leave you with this poem about ABQ:
I live in a small town called Burque
That was known as being a bit quirky.
Then they adopted the "Q"
Its significance, I haven't a clue.
meaning is rather quite murky.
(random rant: I wish I knew html so I could control the layout of these posts)
6.04.2008
Poetry Pah-tee
Señor Creepy
There once was a cat named Stozz,
Who materialized like Dorthy in Oz.
He decided to stay,
and I regretted the day
He fondled me with his own paws.
___________________________
There once was a girl from Westside
Who took all her training in stride.
She never was fast,
For she often was last,
But that never injured her pride.
________________________
There once was a cat named Stozz,
Who materialized like Dorthy in Oz.
He decided to stay,
and I regretted the day
He fondled me with his own paws.
___________________________
There once was a girl from Westside
Who took all her training in stride.
She never was fast,
For she often was last,
But that never injured her pride.
________________________
5.28.2008
El tiempo loco
Since I was getting a little stir crazy, I decided to take a mini-vacation over the long weekend. When I left town on Friday, it was 52 degrees in Burque, 40 cooler than earlier in the week. As I went over the Glorieta Pass to northern NM and the temperature dipped into the 30s, I thought, the roads might freeze tonight! It had rained earlier in the day, and the interstate was still wet. It's been a crazy spring.
On Saturday, instead of doing my "long" run, I decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and scenery. So I climbed this:
I'm not sure how I made it to the top, other than putting one foot in front of the other. It kicked my ass more than any five-mile run could.
This week hasn't been too hectic. I took the big step today of filling out the paperwork for my independent license. It should all be in the mail by next week. Now I need to start studying for the exam...
I always find something to fill up my free time!
On Saturday, instead of doing my "long" run, I decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and scenery. So I climbed this:
I'm not sure how I made it to the top, other than putting one foot in front of the other. It kicked my ass more than any five-mile run could.
This week hasn't been too hectic. I took the big step today of filling out the paperwork for my independent license. It should all be in the mail by next week. Now I need to start studying for the exam...
I always find something to fill up my free time!
5.18.2008
Balance
The past two weeks I've begun running regularly. My strength's come back, and I feel good. I didn't realize how much I've needed to get back into this, not only for the phyiscal benefits, but also for the mental and emotional effects. The past twelve months have been such a struggle for me. I didn't feel centered; most of the time I was stressed. I hadn't been able to run for most of that time. It wasn't until this weekend that I determined that a good part of my high stress level had to do with not running.
It helps me to relax. I'm able to let go of whatever else is going on with my life.
Although now 4 miles is the new 10 miler and I'm pretty tired by the time I finish, I'm feeling better than I have in the last year. Another benefit of running is that it gives me structure in my schedule. If I have to do a run in the evening, then I know I can't work to late.
Running gets me outside. I hate running on treadmills, so I spend more time in nature. Yesterday, I had the joy of seeing a pheasant in the bosque at the end of my run.
It feels good to be centered again.
It helps me to relax. I'm able to let go of whatever else is going on with my life.
Although now 4 miles is the new 10 miler and I'm pretty tired by the time I finish, I'm feeling better than I have in the last year. Another benefit of running is that it gives me structure in my schedule. If I have to do a run in the evening, then I know I can't work to late.
Running gets me outside. I hate running on treadmills, so I spend more time in nature. Yesterday, I had the joy of seeing a pheasant in the bosque at the end of my run.
It feels good to be centered again.
5.14.2008
Bliss
Rain came-twice-in the last 24 hours. I didn't have to get up early to water the garden. Today was deliciously cool. Living in the desert makes me long for cloudy, dreary days like this.
Work's slowed down. I found out I'll be going to San Francisco for a conference later this summer. This will on my agenda, too.
Tonight, on one of my training runs, I thought I made a mistake when I ran an 11 minute mile. Granted, it was just one, but my car's odometer confirmed the distance.
My friend and I have found a wonderful Cuban restaurant, where we had lunch. And I had two cafes con leche. Heaven...
4.21.2008
Since I have a tendency to become negative when things bring me down, I often need to remind myself of what's good in life. Here's a small list to start, with no particular rhyme, reason, or parallel structure:
1. Free community garden plot that will give me enough space for the onions and extra tomatoes
2. Chickens
3. Good dental insurance coverage
4. Being told by the dentist I "have nice teeth"
5. Air
6. Family and friends who listen when I need to vent
7. Sun
8. Clotheslines
9. Body that moves
10. Bike
11. Only having to work one job
12. Spring!
1. Free community garden plot that will give me enough space for the onions and extra tomatoes
2. Chickens
3. Good dental insurance coverage
4. Being told by the dentist I "have nice teeth"
5. Air
6. Family and friends who listen when I need to vent
7. Sun
8. Clotheslines
9. Body that moves
10. Bike
11. Only having to work one job
12. Spring!
4.20.2008
Small Wonders
It's the little things that make me happy.
For instance, I had been saving some earplugs I had gotten on an overnight flight about two years ago. Just two weeks ago, I figured out that I needed to wear them now. The cats cross my bedroom at night to get to "their" room. Often, they are loud and obnoxious, but with the earplugs, I don't hear anything now. My insomnia is almost gone. I don't know why I waited so long.
Lemon grass is another pleasure. I found some yesterday when I went to the nursery, so I got four containers. Growing most of the herbs I use for cooking makes me happy.
Midnight revelations-although I am sleeping better now, I still wake up in the middle of the night with my brain going at full speed. I remembered last night that my neighborhood association has some free plots at a community garden. I can use that for the extra tomatoes, basil, and onions.
Unscheduled time lets me explore. Nothing more wonderful than getting up in the morning and doing whatever catches my fancy. I'm going to work on the garden while it's still cool. I also have a hanckerin' for some hot springs...I'll see.
For instance, I had been saving some earplugs I had gotten on an overnight flight about two years ago. Just two weeks ago, I figured out that I needed to wear them now. The cats cross my bedroom at night to get to "their" room. Often, they are loud and obnoxious, but with the earplugs, I don't hear anything now. My insomnia is almost gone. I don't know why I waited so long.
Lemon grass is another pleasure. I found some yesterday when I went to the nursery, so I got four containers. Growing most of the herbs I use for cooking makes me happy.
Midnight revelations-although I am sleeping better now, I still wake up in the middle of the night with my brain going at full speed. I remembered last night that my neighborhood association has some free plots at a community garden. I can use that for the extra tomatoes, basil, and onions.
Unscheduled time lets me explore. Nothing more wonderful than getting up in the morning and doing whatever catches my fancy. I'm going to work on the garden while it's still cool. I also have a hanckerin' for some hot springs...I'll see.
Morning Poem
By Mary Oliver
Every morning
the world
is created.
Under the orange
sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again
and fasten themselves to the high branches-
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands
of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails
for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it
the thorn
that is heavier than lead-
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging-
there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted-
each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,
whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.
Happy National Poetry Month!
Every morning
the world
is created.
Under the orange
sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again
and fasten themselves to the high branches-
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands
of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails
for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it
the thorn
that is heavier than lead-
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging-
there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted-
each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,
whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.
Happy National Poetry Month!
4.19.2008
Gettin' things done
I spent most of the day doing errands or things on my to-do list, like getting plants for my backyard. It's basically a salsa and pesto garden, but I decided to go with some new things: Armenian cucumbers, yellow squash, tomatillos, and watermelon. I don't know what I was thinking about the last one. Actually, I might have been asleep during the whole trip. I ended up with more tomato and basil plants than I'll have room for. I realize that I'm probably going to have to lock the chickens in their coop because they have taken over the yard. Pobrecitas!
Before I started my gardening project, I decided to get off my ass and cook. I w
as lamenting the fact that I can't get vegetarian mole enchiladas when I came to the conclusion that if I want good food, I need to make it myself. So I did. It was delicious. Here's a photo that doesn't really do the dish justice...
(Perhaps my next goal should be to take a photography class. I never thought the day would come when I would be a better cook than photographer.)
Tomorrow, I will continue with the gardening, and if there's time, go for a short (2-3 mi.) run. To make my break from work feel more like a vacation, I'm going to try to blog daily about my, ahem, adventures.
Before I started my gardening project, I decided to get off my ass and cook. I w
as lamenting the fact that I can't get vegetarian mole enchiladas when I came to the conclusion that if I want good food, I need to make it myself. So I did. It was delicious. Here's a photo that doesn't really do the dish justice...(Perhaps my next goal should be to take a photography class. I never thought the day would come when I would be a better cook than photographer.)
Tomorrow, I will continue with the gardening, and if there's time, go for a short (2-3 mi.) run. To make my break from work feel more like a vacation, I'm going to try to blog daily about my, ahem, adventures.
4.18.2008
Spring Fee-va
It's my cat's 10th birthday today!
He celebrated by eating some delicious dairy products.
I'm recovering from a long month; I'm pretty much over the hump except for a grant that's due soon. To recuperate, I'm taking almost a week off from work, and I'm planning to do the things I haven't had time or energy to do...like cleaning the floors, the chicken coop, the closets...maybe...
The highlight of the past few weeks would definitely have to be the trip to Chicago for a training. I had never really been there except to change trains or sit in a plane on hot tarmac for hours. I'd always imagined the city was like other standard Midwestern ones: bland and boring but on a larger scale. Chicago proved me wrong. My traveling companion and I had so much fun, we could have stayed longer. If we hadn't flown out on the Monday before American Airlines grounded its fleet of MD-80s, we would have. But that's another story.
Ah, the food. I tied mole for the first time. Here in Burque, a standard ingredient for mole is chicken. In Chicago, you can order cheese enchiladas with mole as the sauce. Devine. I also got to eat Ethiopian food-twice! And tapas...my stomach was happy.
Since I love all things related to mass transport, I was elated to ride on the metro and bus system. Some people consider having a car is freedom, but for me, I find it liberating to know how to get around without a car. I came back to Burque with a public transportation high (that's now starting to fade).
I have to confess, I did break my vow of not buying anything. The temptation was so strong, it wasn't just a slip. It was a complete disaster. Books, shoes, dresses, necklaces, scarves...I guess I'm rationalizing it this way: when I'm on vacation, I can take a vacation from the vow. It's not right, I know. I made it three months with the only slip of buying a to-go cup, which I purchased to decrease my use of disposable items. But I'm back on my vow now.
To make up for the relapse, I have made another decision to take the bus twice a week. It's quite a commitment to do this. The system here is not that efficient. And it drives me crazy sometimes. That's all I'll say.
Another part of my decision to use more public transportation is to get more exercise. One of the benefits of living in a city with an inefficient system is that I get to walk more when I take the bus.
I am finally starting to get my strength back. I've gone hiking three times in the last week (the kind that is vertical and kicks your ass). And I've made a resolution: I will run a marathon by the end of the year. My body will be healthy enough.
I found a book, The Non-Runner's Marathon Trainer,that I think will be helpful. The book is geared toward those first-time marathoners, and it's for people whose goal is to finish. The running plan is something that I can fit into my schedule, and it focuses not only on the physical aspects of training, but also on the psychological.
I'm looking forward to having a week off. I feel as if I've been on automatic since the beginning of the year. I hope to relax and do nothing for at least part of the time.
3.26.2008
Recommended Reading
The Art of Power by Thich Nhat Hanh
The Way We Eat: Why Our Food Choices Matter by Peter Singer and Jim Mason
Food for thought...
The Way We Eat: Why Our Food Choices Matter by Peter Singer and Jim Mason
Food for thought...
Así es la vida
I think I've hit a wall.
In the early afternoon I started getting so tired that I went home early. I had plans this morning of doing the dishes when I got home. They're still in the sink. (I did do two loads of laundry and hung them out...) I had grand plans of doing a powerpoint presentation for I training I'll be doing in about two weeks. Pero, nada. Estoy aquí en mi cama, descansándome. I thought I could stave it off until next month, when I'm planning to take a week off.
El único problemita es que tengo mucho para hacer en las próximas tres semanas. Hay una junta importante, una solicitud de una beca que tengo que cumplir, y un entrenamiento en Chicago en la semana que entra…¡No tengo tiempo para estar enferma!
Aaayy...así es la life, ¿no?
3.23.2008
Remedios
The past two weeks have been busy with visitors and work on the house. First, we had Joe and Ruth, Servas travelers from Canada, stay with us for two days, and then my dad came from Tejass to get his New Mexico fix.
My dad spent most of the time making improvements on the house. The big project was working on the back room, which used to be dungeon-like with its dark walls and carpet. It was retiled in a lighter color this past summer, and this past weekend, we worked on painting the walls a lighter color, and he added track lighting and a bamboo curtain to cover the window. Here are some pictures of the final product...
Today my friend Kesi, her new dog, and I went hiking. It's our sort-of Easter tradition. I think we made it about a mile up some incline before I couldn't go any further. I've realized that I'm still trying to get over the exhaustion.
I've found some things that have helped. I noticed that I have more energy when I take a B-vitamin complex sublingually. (I just learned from a book I read that some vegetarians don't get enough of this vitamin....all the fuss is usually on protein.) I've been getting some reflexology done, which also makes me feel better. Another thing I've wanted to do is ear candling...I think I might have had an ear infection on top of everything else. It helped, too. And I'd recommend it. Most importanly, I find catching up with sleep on the weekend keeps me happy during the week.
3.19.2008
insomnio..
Yo lo que quiero es un avioncito
Un avioncito que me vuele
Que me vuele lejos
Que me vuele que me vuele
-yerba buena
Un avioncito que me vuele
Que me vuele lejos
Que me vuele que me vuele
-yerba buena
3.08.2008
International Women's Day
This IWD coincides with my 20 year anniversary of considering myself a feminist. I guess I was one before then, but I didn't know of the term. I just knew that things weren't right. I had hopes of things changing in the future, but I don't think that's happened, at least to the extent I had wanted it to.
My middle school-self wanted equality in pay for women, access to reproductive health care services, and a future that included more than settling down with someone and getting married.
As I got older, I began to understand more deeply how the issues of social justice also tie into feminism. Accessing clean water, living in a safe home, having a reliable source of food, and being able to live without fear of violence are concerns that affect all women to differing degrees.
There hasn't been equality. Femicides continue to occur. The gender pay gap has not narrowed, and, in fact, has begun to widen in the past 10 years. Women are living and raising children in a world that's becoming increasingly more toxic.
There's a lot more work to be done.
2.13.2008
Props for the tired one or ramblings for the masses
I finally took the time to learn how to have titles for my posts. It's the best thing that happened today.
I've been trying to recover from a super-long and stressful week. I am realizing that I need to set better limits with my time. Life is a bit out of control right now.
It's 44 days into my resolution of not buying anything (see stated exceptions). So far it hasn't been a problem; in a way, it's easier. After working way too many hours this weekend, I felt I needed a reward but was able to just observe my desire for something new and shiny. It passed.
I'm thinking I need to give up something that's more of a sacrifice, like eating out or driving whenever I want. Then it brings me back to setting limits. I need more time to make more drastic changes in my life. Being better about saying "no" is a good start.
I've been trying to recover from a super-long and stressful week. I am realizing that I need to set better limits with my time. Life is a bit out of control right now.
It's 44 days into my resolution of not buying anything (see stated exceptions). So far it hasn't been a problem; in a way, it's easier. After working way too many hours this weekend, I felt I needed a reward but was able to just observe my desire for something new and shiny. It passed.
I'm thinking I need to give up something that's more of a sacrifice, like eating out or driving whenever I want. Then it brings me back to setting limits. I need more time to make more drastic changes in my life. Being better about saying "no" is a good start.
2.02.2008
Third time's a charm
In my second semester of college, my roommate and I made a resolution to start the year off on the right foot, which we literally made a point of doing on our way to our first class that year. I vowed to be more organized and diligent about studying. After doing the bare minimum the semester before, I learned that I would not be able to make straight-A's if I didn't put more effort into my studies. I had made my first C and the rest were monstly B's.
The school where I went was located in a rural area of Vermont. Situated on a hilltop in a converted farmstead, it boasted a robust attendance of 270 students. Fewer lived on campus. I enjoyed staying in the dorms and getting to know other students who came from other parts of the US and the world. After growing up in a very rural area in the Midwest, 200-some students living in a few square miles was a change for me. I liked having people nearby who had similar interests and some who liked to procrastinate, too....
I preferred hanging out with my new friends more than reading pedantic books on enlightened despotism or memorizing the cases for German prepositions. Plus, I had never really had to study before because I was used to being able to figure out new things pretty quickly in high school. However, in college I wasn't used to the quantity of material and the speed at which it was covered in my classes.
When the second semster rolled around, I wanted to do much better. I needed to stop slacking. I HAD to get A's. The first two weeks went well.
Then the problems started. I had been ill with mononucleosis over that winter break, but felt almost 100% better by the time classes started. I had decided to take a full load and was determined to pass the clear writing requirement at the end of the sememster (this was in preparation for the plan of concentration students had to complete to graduate). Then I had a relapse.
The next six weeks I mostly laid in bed trying to rest and get better. I had to drop two classes. My grades turned out to be about the same as the semester before. Eventually I got my strength back.
2008 has started similarly for me. When I went back to work, I had ideas of being more organized while increasing my productivity. I felt good after resting for two weeks, but after three days back to work, I got a sudden intense pain in my neck and couldn't drive home. The next day I had chills and fever, and shortly after I came down with a cold. This was the third major (lasting 6+ days) cold I'd had in six months. After staying home from work a couple of half-days I went to the doctor. (I'm someone who needs "permission" to stay home for more than one day.) She thought it was just a cold but did some tests. I turns out that I have mono for the third time. Bleh...
I'm finally getting to the point where I feel better. The neck pain is almost gone, and I'm no longer stuffed up. I still am tired, though. I took off two full days from work in the past couple weeks, but I have been trying to work only 8-hour days.
The problem is that I'm really behind in my work and I don't know how I'm going to catch up. I'm probably going to have to work ~50 hours next week.
On the other hand, getting sick again has let me reevaluate some of my goals. I know I need to set better limits with my time and try to get more balanced. I need to make this my priority. And I need to sleep...
1.03.2008
2007: A year in the review. And 2008, too.
I put off doing this end-of-the-year thing because, after thinking about it, 2007 was, shall I say, lame. There really wasn't much remarkable, especially if you measure it to 2006. That year was part of a year-long celebration to another decade of my existence. I did many things I hadn't had the courage to do. But 2007 was a different story. Let me see if I can dredge up anything of interest...
In January I went to Europe for the first time. Because I had a friend living in Germany, I wanted to see her and travel to the northern part, where my father's family is originally from. Even though it had been more than 10 years since I had studied German, I was amazed at how easily it came back, or rather, I made up words. I ended up having to use it quite a bit. Some words, like Senf, never left my mind, and I had always wondered why I remembered "mustard." Then LB needed it for her pretzels. "Haben Sie Senf?" It rolled off my tongue with ease! The only problems I had were on the trains with conductors barking commands at me. A confused "Was?" did nothing to help matters. I'll get back to this in a bit.
I also went to Poland to see the Auschwitz memorial. I still can't wrap my mind around all the destruction. The night after we went to the memorial, a cyclone blew in with a vengeance (perhaps a reflection of how I felt). The power went out for a good part of the night, and LB and I had to be up early to make it to our train back to Berlin. Our Servas host, Jacek, drove us to Katowice in his "Green Froggy," and during our ride he mentioned that Germany had been destroyed during the storm. In Poland, train service was disrupted, so we weren't sure when we would be heading back.
After a short delay, the train taking us to Germany arrived. It took forever, though, because it seemed that after every 15 minutes of travel, the engineer had to consult about how to handle Germany's destruction. When we heard German in Cottbus, we were ecstatic, mostly because there was no dining car on the train and we hadn't eaten or had much water in over 7 hours.
It took even longer to return because we were given tickets on a supernice overnight train. The only thing about it is that passengers can only board and disembark out of certain cars. When we got to Frankfurt, we were ready to get off the train when another barking conductor came up to us and started spewing German at us. We just looked at him blankly. It was 4 AM. I was not going to understand anything. We missed our stop, had to go to a town an hour away and then take another train back to where we had to go.
We ended up making it back to my friend's home more than 12 hours late. It was amazing how Germany had pulled itself from the depths and recovered from the destruction...
Then I returned and worked.
In March LB and I went to the Grand Canyon. It was my first time hiking in.
There's a completely different perspective once you hike into the canyon. It's a much less daunting landscape.
Since it took me forever to hike down, I was scared it would take forever to hike out. All the warnings said something to the effect that it would take at least double the time to hike out of the canyon, yadda yadda. Not so. Not when you have someone who's afraid of heights and unused to hiking down first. It took less time to hike out. I'd do it again, this time maybe all the way to the bottom.
Then I worked.
In June I went to New England for the wedding of my friends Jonathan and Rachel. It was good to reconnect with friends from Marlboro College. Flying was not fun, though. I got stuck on very hot tarmac for almost three hours, got luggage lost both ways and landed during lightening in Dallas only to have my flight out of there cancelled.
I made it back, eventually. And then I worked.
I got a promotion, so I worked some more.
I finished a certificate in nonprofit management.
I worked. I worked so much I got my name on a plaque.
But, the best part of my year happened last week. My sister is an exercise physiologist and gave me a volume of oxygen (VO2) test, which determines one's resting metabolic rate, how much fat is burned at rest and during exercise and target heart rates. All I can say is that my metabolism has not crashed. It must have been insane before I turned 28. I can eat an obscene amount of calories and sit on my ass all day and not gain any weight. I just can't fall asleep.
But this leads me to 2008. My goal is to get into better shape and lose an unmentionable number of pounds. Should be easy if I stop eating the obscene number of calories. I'm doing a half marathon in Feb. and a marathon in June. I might do another half in April. If it all goes well, I'd like to try a sprint triathlon toward the end of the year. I got my bike out yesterday and fixed it. I want to try to use it more for errands. Which leads me to my second goal.
I want to lessen my ecological impact on the earth. One way is to walk and bike more instead of using my car. I'm going to try to take the bus at least one day per week. I'm also taking a vow to not purchase anything new, with a few exceptions (food, health products, running shoes, candles/incense-I have cats and they're nast). This idea is based on the Compact, a group from San Francisco who made vows a couple of years ago to not buy anything new. I want to start composting (in a serious way) and grow more of my own food.
Last, I want to take classes in the Master's of Public Health program at UNM. I know, I'm a perpetual student. Some things never change.
Have a happy 2008!
I put off doing this end-of-the-year thing because, after thinking about it, 2007 was, shall I say, lame. There really wasn't much remarkable, especially if you measure it to 2006. That year was part of a year-long celebration to another decade of my existence. I did many things I hadn't had the courage to do. But 2007 was a different story. Let me see if I can dredge up anything of interest...
In January I went to Europe for the first time. Because I had a friend living in Germany, I wanted to see her and travel to the northern part, where my father's family is originally from. Even though it had been more than 10 years since I had studied German, I was amazed at how easily it came back, or rather, I made up words. I ended up having to use it quite a bit. Some words, like Senf, never left my mind, and I had always wondered why I remembered "mustard." Then LB needed it for her pretzels. "Haben Sie Senf?" It rolled off my tongue with ease! The only problems I had were on the trains with conductors barking commands at me. A confused "Was?" did nothing to help matters. I'll get back to this in a bit.
I also went to Poland to see the Auschwitz memorial. I still can't wrap my mind around all the destruction. The night after we went to the memorial, a cyclone blew in with a vengeance (perhaps a reflection of how I felt). The power went out for a good part of the night, and LB and I had to be up early to make it to our train back to Berlin. Our Servas host, Jacek, drove us to Katowice in his "Green Froggy," and during our ride he mentioned that Germany had been destroyed during the storm. In Poland, train service was disrupted, so we weren't sure when we would be heading back.
After a short delay, the train taking us to Germany arrived. It took forever, though, because it seemed that after every 15 minutes of travel, the engineer had to consult about how to handle Germany's destruction. When we heard German in Cottbus, we were ecstatic, mostly because there was no dining car on the train and we hadn't eaten or had much water in over 7 hours.
It took even longer to return because we were given tickets on a supernice overnight train. The only thing about it is that passengers can only board and disembark out of certain cars. When we got to Frankfurt, we were ready to get off the train when another barking conductor came up to us and started spewing German at us. We just looked at him blankly. It was 4 AM. I was not going to understand anything. We missed our stop, had to go to a town an hour away and then take another train back to where we had to go.
We ended up making it back to my friend's home more than 12 hours late. It was amazing how Germany had pulled itself from the depths and recovered from the destruction...
Then I returned and worked.
In March LB and I went to the Grand Canyon. It was my first time hiking in.
There's a completely different perspective once you hike into the canyon. It's a much less daunting landscape.
Since it took me forever to hike down, I was scared it would take forever to hike out. All the warnings said something to the effect that it would take at least double the time to hike out of the canyon, yadda yadda. Not so. Not when you have someone who's afraid of heights and unused to hiking down first. It took less time to hike out. I'd do it again, this time maybe all the way to the bottom.
Then I worked.
In June I went to New England for the wedding of my friends Jonathan and Rachel. It was good to reconnect with friends from Marlboro College. Flying was not fun, though. I got stuck on very hot tarmac for almost three hours, got luggage lost both ways and landed during lightening in Dallas only to have my flight out of there cancelled.
I made it back, eventually. And then I worked.
I got a promotion, so I worked some more.
I finished a certificate in nonprofit management.
I worked. I worked so much I got my name on a plaque.
But, the best part of my year happened last week. My sister is an exercise physiologist and gave me a volume of oxygen (VO2) test, which determines one's resting metabolic rate, how much fat is burned at rest and during exercise and target heart rates. All I can say is that my metabolism has not crashed. It must have been insane before I turned 28. I can eat an obscene amount of calories and sit on my ass all day and not gain any weight. I just can't fall asleep.
But this leads me to 2008. My goal is to get into better shape and lose an unmentionable number of pounds. Should be easy if I stop eating the obscene number of calories. I'm doing a half marathon in Feb. and a marathon in June. I might do another half in April. If it all goes well, I'd like to try a sprint triathlon toward the end of the year. I got my bike out yesterday and fixed it. I want to try to use it more for errands. Which leads me to my second goal.
I want to lessen my ecological impact on the earth. One way is to walk and bike more instead of using my car. I'm going to try to take the bus at least one day per week. I'm also taking a vow to not purchase anything new, with a few exceptions (food, health products, running shoes, candles/incense-I have cats and they're nast). This idea is based on the Compact, a group from San Francisco who made vows a couple of years ago to not buy anything new. I want to start composting (in a serious way) and grow more of my own food.
Last, I want to take classes in the Master's of Public Health program at UNM. I know, I'm a perpetual student. Some things never change.
Have a happy 2008!
12.05.2007
I'm getting old.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's true. I can't figure out how to make a title on a blog posting. I suppose I could do a search, read about it, and then implement the change. I don't operate that way, though. I've sailed through computer issues with only intuition for most of my life. (Except for when I was 14 and was afraid of the machine. I got over it.) Not that I'm an expert, but I know my way around software programs and pride myself on being able to trouble-shoot most problems in my office.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's true. I can't figure out how to make a title on a blog posting. I suppose I could do a search, read about it, and then implement the change. I don't operate that way, though. I've sailed through computer issues with only intuition for most of my life. (Except for when I was 14 and was afraid of the machine. I got over it.) Not that I'm an expert, but I know my way around software programs and pride myself on being able to trouble-shoot most problems in my office.
However....
There have been things that've come up recently that I haven't been able to solve on my own. Things that, under ordinary circumstances, wouldn't be a problem. Except that my brain isn't as flexible as it was, say, 3 years ago. It may be because of all the times I made fun of adults when I was young for not remembering things or being able to understand simple processes that an agile 5 year-old mind could. This is why I don't want children. I'll be paid back for everything I did when I was young.
11.25.2007
For this, I am thankful.
I really did do the 5k this weekend, well Thursday, and all I can say is that I took off 12 minutes from the time I had two weeks ago. I'm not that strong of runner...
It did inspire me to start training again. I've had knee problems for the past six months, so I had a very looong taper for the Turkey Trot. I'm finally feeling better and want to be ready for a full marathon on June 1. I want to do 2 halves in preparation for the full.
I celebrated Txgiving 3 times over the weekend, four if you count the churrascaria on Sat. (no meat, though). Anyhoo...
I really did do the 5k this weekend, well Thursday, and all I can say is that I took off 12 minutes from the time I had two weeks ago. I'm not that strong of runner...
It did inspire me to start training again. I've had knee problems for the past six months, so I had a very looong taper for the Turkey Trot. I'm finally feeling better and want to be ready for a full marathon on June 1. I want to do 2 halves in preparation for the full.
I celebrated Txgiving 3 times over the weekend, four if you count the churrascaria on Sat. (no meat, though). Anyhoo...
11.18.2007
Deutschland Dreaming
I'm trying recover from yet another nasty cold. It's the second in the past five months, the kind where I'm exhausted but can't sleep, my head feels as if it's in a fishbowl, and my mind gets restless. I start thinking of new and exciting plans for when I feel better....
Like doing the Turkey Trot this Thurs. It's not a big deal-5k-but since today I barely have enough strength to hang out my clothes on the line, it might not be a good idea. But still...
Then I create loftier plans. Like taking a trip. Abroad. In two months. Being sick and bored is a bad combination; I start surfing the net for random information. Expedia is one of my favorite sites to do this. Hmmm....where do I want to go today? I check for cheap fares to the usual places (I like to think big), São Paulo, Buenos Aires, Oaxaca, San Francisco, Bangkok, Mumbai, Lima, Tenerife, DF, Madrid, and then...Frankfurt. Cha-ching. REALLY, really cheap if I go in January.
My mind starts processing the details...My friend Youmei still lives in Hamburg and will be there a few more months. I would love to see her again and explore more of Northern Germany, including Fehmarn. I could wait to until Jan to take more time off...h
mmm...not a bad idea...I need to work on my German, right?? I need to make use of my passport before it expires...I want to go back to the restaurant that served delicious vegetarian German food (that's not a joke!).
Now I have all this to ponder while I'm stuck in bed...
¡bienvenidos a mi mente enferma!
(Looks like Iowa, no?)
I'm trying recover from yet another nasty cold. It's the second in the past five months, the kind where I'm exhausted but can't sleep, my head feels as if it's in a fishbowl, and my mind gets restless. I start thinking of new and exciting plans for when I feel better....
Like doing the Turkey Trot this Thurs. It's not a big deal-5k-but since today I barely have enough strength to hang out my clothes on the line, it might not be a good idea. But still...
Then I create loftier plans. Like taking a trip. Abroad. In two months. Being sick and bored is a bad combination; I start surfing the net for random information. Expedia is one of my favorite sites to do this. Hmmm....where do I want to go today? I check for cheap fares to the usual places (I like to think big), São Paulo, Buenos Aires, Oaxaca, San Francisco, Bangkok, Mumbai, Lima, Tenerife, DF, Madrid, and then...Frankfurt. Cha-ching. REALLY, really cheap if I go in January.
My mind starts processing the details...My friend Youmei still lives in Hamburg and will be there a few more months. I would love to see her again and explore more of Northern Germany, including Fehmarn. I could wait to until Jan to take more time off...h
mmm...not a bad idea...I need to work on my German, right?? I need to make use of my passport before it expires...I want to go back to the restaurant that served delicious vegetarian German food (that's not a joke!).Now I have all this to ponder while I'm stuck in bed...
¡bienvenidos a mi mente enferma!
(Looks like Iowa, no?)
11.17.2007
I started this blog at the beginning of 2006. The purpose was to discuss my experiences I had at a vipassana (insight) meditation retreat. Some people couldn't wrap their mind around 10 days of silence and 10 hours of meditation per day. Others were worried if I would be safe; I had gone by myself to California to do this. I can't really say that it was the most wonderful experience in my life-the bodily aches and pains and the struggle with my mind were not fun-but it caused me to really stop and be present for the first time in my life.
Fast-forward nearly two years. As you can see, the blog never really happened. Life got in the way. I finished up my degree, got a job, traveled to various parts of the world, started doing distance running, completed two half marathons, got a promotion, finished a certificate program, dropped a bad habit...
If I would have written this blog right after the retreat, I would have discussed the marinated tofu, the wind storm on new year's eve that knocked the power out for 16 hours, or the coyotes howling during the night, details that left an impression. However, the real story is not what happened during the 10 days of meditation, it's what happened after. I've been able to look fear in the face and not turn away. I used to be afraid of running because it made me feel miserable...now I can stay with the pain at mile 9 knowing that it won't be forever. I've learned it's easier to deal with difficult situations directly than pretending they're not there. The retreat forced me to look deeply into what I try to avoid and not be so attached to the negative feelings.
Fast-forward nearly two years. As you can see, the blog never really happened. Life got in the way. I finished up my degree, got a job, traveled to various parts of the world, started doing distance running, completed two half marathons, got a promotion, finished a certificate program, dropped a bad habit...
If I would have written this blog right after the retreat, I would have discussed the marinated tofu, the wind storm on new year's eve that knocked the power out for 16 hours, or the coyotes howling during the night, details that left an impression. However, the real story is not what happened during the 10 days of meditation, it's what happened after. I've been able to look fear in the face and not turn away. I used to be afraid of running because it made me feel miserable...now I can stay with the pain at mile 9 knowing that it won't be forever. I've learned it's easier to deal with difficult situations directly than pretending they're not there. The retreat forced me to look deeply into what I try to avoid and not be so attached to the negative feelings.
Cosa chistosa...I traveled for about a week at the end of the summer. My housemate was also out of town, so we had the neighbors take care of the animals, including my 4 chickens.
The chickens were a little odd when I got back. One became really broody and didn't leave the nest for nearly 3 weeks. The rest basically stopped laying. I blamed it on molting since I had been finding feathers in the backyard, but I wasn't sure. We looked through everywhere we thought they may have been laying, but nothing.
Something was fishy here. Maybe I just had really passive-aggressive birds that wanted to teach me a lesson about leaving. Perhaps they were a bit confused with the start of fall (they still had plenty of sunlight and warmth to lay, though). I resorted to threats..."If you don't produce eggs, you'll have to find your next meal..." It fell on deaf ears. Nothing changed.
Until one Saturday I was feeding the bunny, I noticed that the protected part of his hutch was overflowing with eggs. 30 of them. Problem solved. I couldn't stop laughing.
"This is the captain, from the flight deck..."
I haven't had a good year for flying. Since thinking that I'd never had major problems, I've been stuck in Denver for days, sat on the runway for hours in Chicago, scrambled for a flight out of Love Field when American cancelled everything at DFW, and waited many, many times for my "delayed baggage".
Recently, I discovered my new favorite airline, ExpressJet. The amount of food, XM radio, and friendly staff are great, but what really does it for me is the fact it flies directly to San Antonio, where my family lives.
Since all of my problems had happened when changing planes, I figured that flying direct would cut down on any issues. As I was returning from SAT last weekend, I found out that wasn't the case. When we were close to ABQ, the plane suddenly began to decelerate and turn toward the south. The pilot began speaking over the PA, "Folks, I've got some bad news." I start to look nervously at other passenger
s. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news..." I've had dreams off and on about planes crashing for the past 12 years. By now I'm thinking, this is it! "Some idiot driving a fuel truck at ABQ rolled and spilled part of its load. The airport just closed so we're going to have to divert to El Paso." El Paso, wonderful!!, especially after thinking we might be going down in a fiery ball over eastern NM.
I haven't had a good year for flying. Since thinking that I'd never had major problems, I've been stuck in Denver for days, sat on the runway for hours in Chicago, scrambled for a flight out of Love Field when American cancelled everything at DFW, and waited many, many times for my "delayed baggage".
Recently, I discovered my new favorite airline, ExpressJet. The amount of food, XM radio, and friendly staff are great, but what really does it for me is the fact it flies directly to San Antonio, where my family lives.
Since all of my problems had happened when changing planes, I figured that flying direct would cut down on any issues. As I was returning from SAT last weekend, I found out that wasn't the case. When we were close to ABQ, the plane suddenly began to decelerate and turn toward the south. The pilot began speaking over the PA, "Folks, I've got some bad news." I start to look nervously at other passenger
s. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news..." I've had dreams off and on about planes crashing for the past 12 years. By now I'm thinking, this is it! "Some idiot driving a fuel truck at ABQ rolled and spilled part of its load. The airport just closed so we're going to have to divert to El Paso." El Paso, wonderful!!, especially after thinking we might be going down in a fiery ball over eastern NM. The pilot told us, once we landed, the airport would likely be closed for at least 4-5 hours. I frantically phoned my mom, who's gotten used to these calls. "I'm stuck in XXX (location); can you please get online and look for a XXX (flight, rental car, train or bus ticket)?" I was tired and needed to get home.
The story turned out to have a happy ending. The pilots were helpful, the airport eventually reopened (I found out later that it was never really closed, just part of one terminal), and eventually the airport got the equipment to unload us off the plane when we made it to ABQ. I was only delayed 3 or 4 hours, not bad considering all the other problems I've had.
Still, I'm not really keen on flying. However, I need to go back to SAT next month for the winter holiday...when I think about driving through 8 hours of my least favorite state, I realized that flying might not be a bad option. Plus, there are some places in the world I want to visit that are only practical to reach by air. I just need to be open to where my journey takes me!
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