blue skies

Depth

the more you look, the more you see.

This photo reminds me of an art class I took in ninth grade. Every week I had to turn in an original drawing. I've never been much of an artist, but I'd manage to turn in some sort of landscape that included layers of mountains. Shading was my strength. It's nice to see reality copying imagination.

Dreary

Don't let the weather deceive you. I had a great time. I forget how healing Colorado can be.

Leaving

...not by plane, though...on what feels like will be a vacation. hasta luego.

Mindful

Mi pueblito

The reward for making it to the top.

Muddy waters

Flow...or cleanse

Today has been one of those days in one of those months in one of those years.

At least I get to head north to greener places soon.

Longing

Frame...

Open

Circle to the left

close to home

arriba...

proximos pasos

This is probably one of my favorite photos ever. I can't put my finger on exactly what attracts me to it. Is it trying to figure out who sat on that chair? Were they waiting, and if so, for what? Or were they content to just sit?

I wanted to post a photo every day last month. So now it's over. I don't know what my next step will be. I do know that this has given me a review of times of my life that have come and gone, but still very much a part of me. They are a reflection of  the way in which I see the world.

But still, I realize the limitations of a photo. There is always a filter of what I choose to see and what gets left out.

But then, isn't that merely a metaphor for life?

Plateau

Spring

levity

a while back, a teller at my credit union told me, "i love your earrings. are they foreign?"

me: "yeah, texas."

teller: blank stare.

me: trying VERY HARD not to laugh at my joke. the level of hilarity increases directly with the lack of response from the other person.

i can't help it. i'm a dork like that.

Update

One of my two readers told me that although she likes the photos I've been posting, I need to write. Ask, and you shall receive, no?

Here's my monthly report in six words: I ran, I coughed, I read.

The El Paso marathon was at the beginning of the month. After being around people the week before with varying levels of illness, I started to not feel well the Friday before the race. I managed to sleep pretty well that evening and made the drive down to ELP. The day of the race, I didn't feel great, but I didn't feel unwell, either. Since the race was paid for, I decided to do it.

I thankfully had my mile nine even before I hit mile two. Nearly the first four miles is straight uphill. There are a few ups and downs but for the most part you're climbing. I noticed that my heart rate started to skyrocket, so I walked about a mile. A slow mile. Aside from being told multiple times before a hill, "It's all downhill from here," the race was fun.

El Paso holds a special place in my heart, the place where all the toxins have congregated. Seriously, the soil under the Asarco plant was black. Black. Look at the mountain off in the distance to see the color in the rest of ELP. The plant's smokestacks are visible.

Okay, this is not the greatest picture, but you get the idea. Nevertheless, I got sick after the race. (I do like El Paso, considering... See the line of cars? Those were people going to the race. We stayed two blocks from the start line. 9 flights of stairs was my warm-up.)

Yes, folks, the never-ending battle with the microbes that won't leave me alone. It was worse than a marathon. My endurance for this crap is wearing thin and my inner adolescent has been unleashed. I'm tired of it disrupting my life and having to forgo things because I don't feel well. I'm finally getting my energy back, though.

I've had more time on my hands to read. Part of the month I didn't have much energy to do much else but read. When I went to Las Vegas last month, I came upon a book entitled The Solace of Fierce Landscapes: Exploring Desert and Mountain Spirituality by Belden C. Lane. It mixes death, life, and stark landscapes. I've had a hard time getting into certain parts, but there was a quote Flannery O'Connor that he referenced: "...sickness is more instructive than a long trip to Europe." There may be some truth to that.

Lane also discussed books by Kathleen Norris. I had heard of her when I read Anne Lamott, who quoted Norris in one of her short stories. Last week I read Acedia and Me and Dakota. Both were good reads, but Dakota really hit home. Although the land that I'm from is not as stark as the western plains, many aspects of the culture she described hit the mark. Right now I'm reading The Cloister Walk. Maybe I'll write a post about all the things that are coming up reading her works.

Next month I'm headed to Colorado for another training for the leadership program. My sister will be joining me for part of the time, and we'll likely be able to catch up with other family members. I have a long weekend starting Friday. My plans for the weekend didn't pan out, but I feel like I need the time to emotionally get over the malaise. Retreat and renewal.

Welcome, Spring.

tempest

Passing

Perspective

Littoral

guard

Desejo

Blooming

Clearing

Today, the clouds lifted and my mood shifted...

refuge

only a few more weeks...

higher

zenith

Projections

you have to hike your own hike

however far you need to go.

I'm on a boat!

Reprive

(i'm not sure why the photos lose resolution when posted. that's the moon near the branches at the top.)

autorretrato

foliage

waiting for spring

perspectivas

vista(s)

Reflejos

reflections of how i feel today.

Recovery

I ran a half marathon this weekend. Since then, what were just hints of getting sick have turned into a full-blown cold. Yuck. At least I have a cool medal to show for all this.

Melancholy

Contemplation

The speed of my life

This picture reveals more about my life than I want to admit. Frenetic pace, at times. Blurry. Too much of it spent in a polluting machine.

Stop

The sign, a reminder of why I was there in the first place.

Lift

Sometimes the seconds on the edge are all that matter.

Muir Beach.

Caminos

The past two days I've been reviewing photos I've taken over the years. I've decided to post some of them here on my blog as a way to help them to come to life. I don't know much about photography; it's all intution. Something propels me to capture a moment, to bear witness. I'm drawn in when a picture reveals a dimension forgotten or missed entirely.

This photo got me thinking. There are strong beliefs in this culture about forging your own path, but this one is hundreds of years old and worn smooth by countless feet. Perhaps it might be wise to know when to take a well-worn trail or when to go out on your own. I think one can even forge his or her own path following the steps of others. You just have to make it your own, whatever it may be.

Neblina obscura

No coming, no going

Katowice, Poland

After the storm

Meditation

The start of "Mindful" by Mary Oliver reminds me to be grateful for the beauty in the world.

Every day
  I see or hear
        something
              that more or less
kills me
    with delight...

It reminds me to look, to listen, and to be.

The thin line

Part of my spiritual practice includes meditation on the breath, observing movements of inhalation and exhalation. Focusing awareness on only that, everything else falls away. Each respiration embraces life and death. The air that sustains us often goes unnoticed unless we stop and be present.

This past week, I learned of the death of a former elementary school classmate. Since I lived in a rural area, the school I attended was very small and everyone knew everyone else, at least on some level. He moved two towns over after graduating from high school and had married someone from there. They had two children.

I didn’t know him well, though, and didn't have any contact with him after I moved away after graduating. But my heart goes out to the family, because in a matter of breaths, they no longer had a husband or a father.

May they eventually find peace in the sorrow.

My mind still can’t make sense of his death or the meaning of it. I don’t think I have ever understood death beyond its most basic conception.

Returning to my breath, I do realize that this moment is a miracle, and I give thanks.

Hola

This year, I want to try to do more writing of any sort. I failed miserably with NANOWRIMO, but to my credit, some uninvited beings set up shop in my lungs and began building their own unsanctioned community. They didn't leave until it was too late. I would have had to write nearly 4k words per day, in addition to getting caught up with everything else in my life after being sick.

So my other goal is to really focus on my health. I'm tired of having how I feel physically affect what I can and can't do, and I don't want all my energy to go to just one part of my life. Running really helps when I can do it. I just need to keep myself at a place where I can.

It wouldn't be a new year without a list, so here's some of what else I'd like to do during the next 12 months:

• Teach a meditation class at a local prision
• Participate in NANOWRIMO
• Take a jewlery making class
• Bake a loaf of bread

It's all out there for the universe to see. I think all my goals from years past still apply, except for running a marathon. Not this year. My motto for this year is shorter and slower.

Adios, 2009!

Happy New Year, everyone! The end of 2009 couldn't have come sooner, but, really, it wasn't a bad year. I learned through challenges, explored through travels and connected with family and friends. The highlights would have to be completing the El Paso Marathon and hiking the Grand Canyon. The rest was mundane, but in a good way.

I'm also happy to enter a new decade. The past ten years have been like a weeklong visit from an old friend with whom I hadn't remained in close contact. I still care about her and enjoy her company, but spending time with her each day is wearing energetically. When she finally leaves, a temporary wave of sadness passes over me and is quickly replaced with relief. I then focus on recharging my inner reserves as I pull inward.

I hope for health, peace and stability for 2010. May I be a calm presence in an often chaotic world. I'll leave you with a quote that has brought me peace in 2009.

          "Do not be impatient with your seemingly slow progress. Do not try to run faster than you presently  
          can. If you are studying, reflecting and trying, you are making progress whether you are aware of it or
          not. A traveler walking the road in the darkness of night is still going forward. Someday, some way, 
          everything will break open, like the natural unfolding of a rosebud."
         Vernon Howard
 
I wish you love, joy and happiness as we enter the new year.

NaNoWriMo, here I come

This was my October marathon: hiking the Grand Canyon. It was absolutely beautiful beyond words but absofuckinlutely* tough. Due to varying circumstances, I didn't have time to train adequately, and now my body is rebelling and giving me more of the same crud I had last year. Meh. But it was worth it.
On Sunday, I start my next adventure. Succumbing to yet another challenge (or maybe pure insanity), I've decided to write a novel next month. It's part of National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo. All it requires is writing 50,000 words in 30 days! So, yeah. It should be exciting, or something. I think I'll like the disciple of knowing I have to write 1,667 words per day. They don't even have to be quality. To quote NaNoWrimo, "Make no mistake: You will write a lot of crap. And that's a good thing. By forcing yourself to write so intensely, you are giving yourself permission to make mistakes. To forgo the endless tweaking and editing and just create. To build without tearing down." My kind of challenge, and a reminder that writing is not editing. I have a vague outline of the novel, but most of it will be improvised as I go along. I can't wait to see what unfolds.

*Yay for infixes!

Fall

I love this time of year. It's simply my favorite, with the chill to the air. The waining greens yield to the warm browns and oranges. While part of me wants to withdraw and take refuge, a stronger part gets me moving in a way haven't since spring. I realized on my walk yesterday that I tend to hibernate during the summer (veranate?). Once the heat of August has passed, I come out of my cocoon and start to feel my body again.
My arms and legs felt creaky as I moved last night, creaky as my joints and muscles remember. Instead of a cantankerous response, they sent a message of gratitude. Involuntarily my legs started to run. They awakened to their purpose. The brisk air nourishes. I smile and give thanks for movement and change.

Update

Since I've had a request from one of my 2.57 readers to write, here's a new entry. The thoughts never formed themselves into a cohesive post, so we're all stuck with short bulleted blurbs.

• Last month I headed to Colorado for a retreat where Thich Nhat Hanh was to have attended. On the first night, his monastic community read a letter from him stating that he had been hospitalized and unable to travel. My heart sank both because of his physical condition and his absence. Although I had apprehensions about a retreat without him there, it turned out to be a very powerful experience. Things have stuck this time around, and I try to remember advice I received the last evening, "When you breathe, the sangha breathes with you. You, along with everyone here, helped to create this sangha. You don't leave this here."
• August was a time for connecting and reconnecting with others. We had two Servas visits and my friend Melody stayed for a few days. We headed to Vegas, too, to see my friend and to soak.
• I started a leadership program three weeks ago. I've gotten over the fear they made a mistake during the selection process. (When I was a senior in high school, I earned by pure luck the highest score in my school on a state exam in French. My teacher told me initially that I'd be moving to the next level, which was a competition that would involve writing an entire essay in French. Like several pages. I had only composed short paragraphs up to that point. I didn't even want to hear about the presentation that I'd have to make, also in French. I had spent the previous summer trying to find my way around a different, unfamiliar Romance language, and those cognates had been how I did so well on the exam. I didn't have enough fluency to write or speak. There had been a mistake. No way was I going to make a fool of myself. Well, either through a miracle or the manifestation of what I said over and over, my teacher eventually told me that there had been a mistake in the scoring and that I would not be in the state competition afterall.) So, I had the same feeling when I had heard that I'd been selected for this program. A scoring mistake. But I feel more comfortable now, and I think it will be the challenge I need to contiue to grow professionally and personally.
• My sister gave me a ticket to California for my birthday. Five more days. I need it.
• I've made a decision to train for the El Paso Marathon again. I need to.

I've painted my nails...

...because nothing says, hey, I've landed in my mid-thirties, like Rockstar Pink glitter on your fingertips.

à la mode

Throughout my life, I've gone through distinct periods related to fashion. They've ranged from thinking that it was the evil invention of sexist males trying to keep women down to a way to allow for creative expression and discovery. I've recently given up my apathy and begun having a healthy interest again in snagging cool second-hand finds.
As a child, I loved shopping for cheap, unique clothes, especially pieces that I could tell people I found on sale for a dollar, or whatever. Thankfully my style was, shall we say, one-of-a-kind in the rural area where I grew up. What attracted me was often hanging neglected on the clearance rack. It worked out for everyone.
The endearing trait of smugly telling others how little I paid for things was honed at a very young age and continues today. I've had a period of time recently where I haven't cared much about what I wear, probably having to do with the fact that there have been more important foci in my life. Not having much luck at thrift stores or garage sales the past few years, I pretty much gave that up and bought whatever was on sale at certain stores for simplicity.
In the last month, I've discovered the etsy website much to my bank account's dismay. There, one can find cool vintage clothes with a click. No having to sift through dusty piles to find little treasures. However, I did go by a yard sale today at the end of an arduous run. After doing some digging, I managed to find a few things that I wanted to get and had the seller hold them while I went home to get my wallet. By the time I finished the transaction, I had spent $19.
A run-down of my loot:
-a pair of pants
-skirt
-shirt
-2 pairs of shoes
-pair of boots
-blazer
-3 jackets (one leather)
-2 shrugs
-sweater
-plus a skirt and adorable jacket for my friend's daughter
So, yeah. I'm on a thrifter's high. Just be glad you don't live near me and have to hear the rehash over and over. But at least I look good doing so.

Metamorphosis

I had intentions of writing a "real" post with complete sentences and several paragraphs. For some reason, it didn't happen. There's not much of note to write, and that's not really a bad thing.
I'll just say that the next couple of months promise to be full of change on many fronts. Some of this is self-inflicted, and the rest is out of my hands. Thankfully equanimity has been my constant companion.
(Meanwhile I'm enjoying the rockin' tunes on Pandora's Yerba Buena station.)

Qué será, será. Y ya.

Reminders

Tonight, my sister and her partner J are in town on their way to Cali. J has never been to Burque. After hearing about my daily and weekly activities, she said, "You must have a good life here." I hesitated and discovered the only answer was, "Yes, I do." That injection of objectivity reminded me that I have much to be grateful for.

And the rains this week are proof that nothing lasts forever.

one more thing

in a previous post, i lamented the fact the lilacs completely escaped me this year. well, for some reason, i have gotten to see all the flowers i missed this year while visiting other places. lilacs were in full bloom when i traveled to ohio. and, today, in my delirium at the top of the mountain, i found lilies! ¡qué suerte!

Gratitude list, take 2

Time, life has slipped away. So, here I go again:
1. Air at 10,000 ft.

2. My legs

3. My father

4. Pesto season!

5. Fresh eggs

sandias

Hiked the Tramway and La Luz trails today. I think the altitude got to me for the first time. After reaching 9000 ft., I started to get grouchy and a little flaky. I was afraid of tripping at the top and sliding down...for good reasons.
Only one snake sighting.
No dead rodents.
I can't rest...when my eyes are closed, all I see are switchbacks.
My brain must be fried.